Why I Can’t Stand Stephen King’s Writing

I tried. I really did.

I picked up his books, cracked my knuckles, and told myself, this time will be different.

It wasn’t.

Stephen King’s writing drives me up the wall, and I can’t keep quiet about it anymore.

If you’re a fan, brace yourself. You might need a flashlight for the dark corners of my disgust.

Here’s why I can’t stand his writing.

1. His Books Are Bloated Like a Dead Fish

King doesn’t know when to shut up. Every book is a marathon of excess.

He takes a simple idea—haunted hotel, scary clown, evil car—and stretches it like an old pair of underwear.

The Stand could’ve been a tight 400 pages. Instead, it’s over a thousand. A THOUSAND. That’s a crime.

His books feel like he’s getting paid per word. He could describe a doorknob for a full page.

I don’t need to know the entire history of a secondary character’s childhood trauma just because they tripped on a curb.

2. His Endings Suck

You wade through 800 pages of build-up, and then—BAM—the ending fizzles out like a deflated balloon.

IT spends forever making Pennywise terrifying, and how do they kill it? A cosmic turtle and a group of kids believing really hard. Are you kidding me?

Then there’s The Dark Tower. Years of buildup, and the finale is just—wait, let’s do it all over again? King’s endings feel like he got tired and just said, screw it.

3. His Dialogue is Cringe

Nobody talks like King’s characters. Not unless they’re in a bad sitcom from the ’80s.

Every villain calls people “bucko” or “dear heart.” Every kid has some annoying catchphrase nobody would ever say. He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts—shut up, kid.

His idea of writing “tough guys” is just tossing in a few extra swear words. His idea of writing women? Oh, we’ll get to that.

4. His Female Characters Are a Joke

King writes women like a 14-year-old boy who’s never talked to one.

They exist to be wives, mothers, or victims. They cry, they get naked at weird moments, they have bizarre inner monologues about their breasts.

Beverly from IT has an entire scene where she… uh… “connects” with the group in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable. And let’s not forget Carrie’s mom, a one-dimensional religious nut whose entire personality is menstruation is evil.

His women don’t feel real. They feel like bad ideas of women.

5. He’s Obsessed with Bodily Functions

King loves to talk about pee, poop, puke, and mucus. And not in a haha, funny way. In a why are you describing this in detail way.

Someone is always pissing themselves in fear. Someone is always describing their bowel movements. And there’s always one character who has some gross, sweaty, mucus-covered breakdown.

The man has never heard of less is more.

6. He Can’t Help Putting Himself in His Own Stories

King loves writing characters who are suspiciously similar to himself. They’re always writers, always struggling with addiction, and always so misunderstood.

Misery. The Dark Half. The Shining. Bag of Bones. All feature writers as main characters. And surprise, surprise—they all get tortured for their art.

At this point, we get it, Steve. You’re a writer. Maybe try writing someone not you for once.

Quick Recap Before the Big Finish:

Issue	Why It’s Annoying
Too Long	His books are bloated messes
Bad Endings	They always feel rushed or lazy
Awkward Dialogue	Nobody talks like his characters
Flat Women	He doesn’t know how to write female characters
Weird Racial Stereotypes	His Black characters only exist to help white ones
Gross Details	Way too much about bodily functions
Self-Insert Characters	Too many protagonists are just him

Final Thoughts: The Last Nail in the Coffin

Look, I respect the guy’s success. He’s sold a billion books. He’s got movies, TV shows, a cult following. I get it.

But I can’t do it anymore.

His books are like an all-you-can-eat buffet where half the food is cold, the other half is weirdly soggy, and yet everyone keeps going back for more.

I’ll pass.