When Trying to Improve Social Skills Feels Like Lying to Yourself: A Struggle for Authenticity

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If you spend your life trying to improve your social skills, you might wake up one morning and wonder if you’ve just sold your soul.

We live in a world where the “authentic self” is pushed like a half-decent drug, a promise that if you can just peel away the layers of bullshit, you’ll find the real you, free from all the nonsense.

But what if that “real you” isn’t what society wants? What if, deep down, you’re just a mix of contradictions, too tired and too cynical to pretend?

Are you supposed to try and make small talk with strangers or do you just say, “Fuck it, let me be miserable and alone”?

This struggle for authenticity isn’t new. Hell, it’s been around since humans could rub two sticks together and create a little fire to keep the wolves at bay.

The desire to “fit in” has always been there, gnawing at the back of your brain, telling you to adapt, change, and put on that happy face.

But what if you don’t want to play the game anymore? What if the very act of changing yourself, of adjusting your social skills to please others, feels like you’re lying to yourself?

From Roman Masks to Modern Smiles

Let’s take a step back and look at history. It’s full of people who didn’t fit in—some of them were burned at the stake, others just lived in the shadows, forgotten.

In ancient Rome, people wore masks—literal ones—during plays to represent different characters. They were fake, and no one ever pretended they weren’t.

But today? We’ve all got masks on, even if they’re invisible. The whole world has been restructured to make us fit into roles. You go to school, learn a trade, marry, have kids, buy things, and keep your head down.

And that’s the script we follow, all while pretending we don’t hate it. But every time you try to step outside that script and be “authentic,” you find yourself stumbling.

It’s like we’re all trapped in the same farce, performing social skills because it’s expected, not because it feels real. Want to talk about your feelings?

You’ve been told to do it since you were a kid, but when you open your mouth, you find the words evaporating in the air like smoke from a cigarette.

You’d rather say nothing, or worse, pretend everything’s fine. And what happens? You wonder: Am I just another phony? Another puppet pulled by strings I don’t even know are there?

Mystical Theories: Do They Offer Any Real Answers?

Here’s where I start veering off the beaten path. I’ve spent nights reading all sorts of mystical stuff—Eastern philosophies, shamanic practices, the works.

There’s something soothing in the idea that none of this matters. According to the Buddhists, the self is an illusion, a temporary construct, something that arises and dissolves like a storm cloud.

So why would you spend your life perfecting a skill set to make your illusion of self more acceptable to others?

Shouldn’t you just let go, embrace the chaos, and accept that trying to fit in is just part of the grand illusion?

The mystics, for all their ramblings, have a point: you’re not a fixed thing. You’re constantly changing.

And this idea of “authenticity”—is it just a lie we’ve been told, like the promise of eternal life? It’s tempting, like some kind of sick comfort, to believe that we could just relax and let the world spin without trying to perfect every damn conversation, every glance, every joke.

Maybe if we just let go, we’d realize that the game was rigged from the start.

But that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s one thing to know life is meaningless and another to live like it’s meaningless.

To not care about what others think—well, that’s the kind of freedom you can only fantasize about when you’re drunk and sitting alone in a bar at 3 a.m.

You can’t walk out into the street and tell people, “I’m not pretending anymore!” Not if you want to eat, pay rent, or keep the lights on.

The Struggle: To Change or Not to Change?

Now, let’s talk about change. It’s been hammered into us since we could remember: “You can be anything you want!” But here’s the catch—what if you don’t want to be anything? Or worse, what if you’ve spent so much time trying to change yourself that you don’t even recognize who you are anymore?

Change is like this sweet, dark seduction. You try a little here, tweak a little there, trying to be “more confident” or “more charming.”

And then you look in the mirror and ask, “Who the hell is this person?”

The social skills you’ve honed aren’t really you anymore—they’re the shell of what you think you should be. At what point do you stop changing and start becoming a puppet of your own creation?

Can you still be yourself if you’re constantly polishing the image?

And then there’s the other side—the nihilistic side. The side that says, “Why even bother? Why change at all?”

Maybe you should just throw the whole thing out the window. If the world is a big joke, why play by its rules?

But that’s just as dangerous as pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s the kind of thinking that leaves you rotting on your couch, waiting for a change that’ll never come.

Table 1: The Tension Between Changing for Social Acceptance vs. Staying True to Yourself

Change for Social SkillsAuthenticity StruggleConsequences
Learn to make small talkFeels empty, pointlessLeads to a hollow, unsatisfying connection
Eye contact without discomfortForced, unnaturalLeaves you questioning your real self
Be outgoing in social settingsFeels like pretendingLeaves you exhausted, disconnected
Adapting behavior to gain approvalCompromise of personal beliefsInner conflict, feeling like a fraud

Explaining It to an Apprentice (Or, Like Talking to a Kid)

Okay, kid. Imagine you’re playing with Legos, building a little house. But everyone around you says, “No, you’re doing it wrong. The windows should go here, the door over there.”

You start building the house how they want you to, and before you know it, you’re not even playing anymore—you’re just following instructions. You’re stuck in someone else’s game.

Now imagine that your house is you. And the instructions? That’s what society tells you to do to “fit in” or “improve” yourself.

But the problem is, you’re so busy following the rules that you forget what it means to build something that feels real.

The trick isn’t about following the rules, it’s about realizing that sometimes, the best thing you can do is throw the instructions out the window and build your house however you please. But that’s scary as hell.

Data: Who Disagrees with the “Social Skill” Strategy?

Now, let’s take a look at some people who might call me full of shit. There are those like Jordan Peterson, who would tell you to take responsibility, put in the work, and make yourself “better.”

Peterson’s philosophy is grounded in the belief that you need to organize your life, that finding meaning and success comes through discipline and structure.

In his world, you have to play the game to win. But what if the game is rigged? What if playing the game is just another form of selling out?

Then there’s Mark Manson, who wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*. His argument is that social rules and the idea of “improving” yourself are just bullshit distractions.

He says to embrace your flaws, and not care about what society thinks. The difference is stark—one believes in self-improvement, the other in rejection of societal pressure. Which is right? Who the hell knows.

Table 2: Opponents of the “Authentic Self” Struggle

PersonPhilosophyCore Message
Jordan PetersonTake responsibility, improve yourselfDiscipline and structure lead to a meaningful life
Mark MansonStop caring about social norms and expectationsEmbrace your flaws, stop chasing perfection
Carl JungExplore the unconscious, accept the shadow selfSelf-understanding requires facing the darker parts of you
Friedrich NietzscheReject societal values to create your own meaningOvercome conventional morals to create your own purpose

The Final Word

So here’s the deal—there’s no easy answer. You’ll spend your life on this tightrope, trying to balance authenticity with social expectations, trying to find some meaning in the noise.

Maybe one day you’ll wake up and realize it doesn’t matter—maybe that’s the key to freedom.

Or maybe you’ll get stuck, just like the rest of us, trying to play by the rules, wondering where the hell the real you went.

But whatever happens, don’t stop questioning. Because, in the end, all we’ve got is the search for meaning—no matter how lost we get along the way.

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