5 Critical Lessons From To Have or To Be? That Challenge the Way We Live Today

Photo by Andrew Krueger on Unsplash

If you’re tired of being a cog in the machine, To Have or To Be? might just be your wake-up call. Erich Fromm doesn’t sugarcoat anything. He takes the modern world, throws it in your face, and dares you to rethink everything about the way you live.

It’s not pretty. But it’s real. And it’ll make you question the choices you’ve made and the life you’re living.

Fromm was no stranger to the mess of modern life. A psychoanalyst, philosopher, and social critic, he was the kind of guy who saw the ugliness behind the shiny façade of consumerism and individualism.

His book To Have or To Be? (1976) doesn’t just ask, it demands an answer to one of the most important questions you’ll ever face: Are you living a life based on possession, on “having,” or are you embracing the much scarier and more honest approach of “being”?

In the book, Fromm draws a stark line between two ways of living: “having” and “being.” The first one is easy – accumulate things, status, wealth, and try to fill the hole inside with stuff.

The second is harder – it’s about living authentically, connecting with others, and growing as a person. You’d think the choice is obvious, right? But guess what? We’re all caught in the “having” trap, and Fromm explains why.

Here are five critical lessons from To Have or To Be? that’ll hit you hard.

Lesson 1: Possessions Don’t Define You

The first lesson hits like a freight train: You are not your stuff.

Yeah, it sounds simple, doesn’t it? Like some basic piece of wisdom everyone should know. But let’s get real for a second – it’s not that simple.

In a world where everything’s stacked up against us, it’s easy to get tangled in the idea that what we own somehow defines who we are.

Society practically raises you on this stuff. They hand you the measuring stick: the car you drive, the house you own, the clothes you wear, the paycheck you rake in.

The bigger, the better, the shinier, the more… you’re winning, right?

That’s the game we’re all playing. But when the dust settles, and you take a step back, none of it matters.

Think about it. We’re not just talking about a fancy car or a designer watch here. It’s everything. It’s the relentless accumulation of status – your Instagram following, your job title, the number of likes on your posts, the places you vacation.

It’s the constant comparison, the parade of the “have-nots” trying to catch up with the “haves.”

All of it. And let’s not pretend like you haven’t fallen into it. We all do. We’re conditioned to believe that happiness is a possession.

More stuff means more happiness. More followers, more validation, more of everything. But it’s a damn lie.

Here’s the punchline Fromm lays on you: Things don’t have a soul. You do. You’re not your phone, your car, your oversized house, or your designer jeans.

You’re a human being, not a walking collection of items. And the more you use those things to define yourself, the less you understand what it means to be alive.

Stop using these crutches – the shiny toys and the hollow trinkets that trick you into thinking they’ll give your life meaning.

They won’t. They can’t. The more you stack up, the emptier you feel inside. They don’t fill you up, they just weigh you down.

So here’s the takeaway, sharp and cold: You’re not defined by what you own. The sooner you get that through your thick skull, the less you’ll be chained to a life of consumerism, a life of keeping up with the Joneses, a life of chasing an illusion that always stays just out of reach.

You’ll breathe easier, start to see yourself for who you really are – a person, not a possession. Maybe you’ll stop buying things just to fill the hole inside, and start living in a way that means something.

That’s the real freedom. The other crap? It’s just noise.

Lesson 2: The Need for Freedom Is Your True Nature

Fromm’s got the guts to hit you with an idea that’ll make your stomach churn: Freedom is the heart of what it means to be human.

Big claim, right? But here’s the real kicker: we’re terrified of it. Sounds like a paradox, doesn’t it? We all say we want to be free, to break away from the chains that bind us, to live life on our own terms.

But when you really look at it, freedom’s a monster that none of us want to face. Real freedom isn’t just a cool bumper sticker or a fantasy. It’s a beast with claws. It means you’re on your own.

It means responsibility, choice, and stepping into the void, where nothing’s guaranteed. It means the unknown, and most of us would rather eat grass than live with that kind of uncertainty.

Fromm doesn’t sugarcoat it. He says most people are terrified of that kind of freedom. We’re all just looking for comfort, even if it means giving up our autonomy.

And that’s what society thrives on. They’ve built this system where it’s easier to give up your freedom than to embrace it. It’s easier to follow the herd, to blend in, to let the world tell you who you should be and what you should want. You don’t have to think for yourself.

Just buy the right things, wear the right clothes, live in the right house. That’s the path of least resistance. You trade your freedom for comfort, for the false security of fitting in. It’s all part of the game.

Instead of facing the mess of freedom, we run for cover. We turn to stuff. The new phone, the shiny car, the bigger house. These things act like a Band-Aid.

We buy our way out of the discomfort that comes with the freedom to choose. Possessions are the easy distraction. They make us feel like we have control over something, like we matter.

But deep down, it’s just a way to hide from the fact that we’re stuck in our own cage. It’s easier to buy happiness than to face the terrifying task of building your own life.

The takeaway? It’s brutal: True freedom isn’t about having more stuff. It’s about the courage to be yourself, to step outside the noise of societal expectations, to do what feels right for you, not for anyone else.

Stop trying to impress people who don’t matter. Don’t live your life to please others. Find what makes you tick, what fires you up, and go after that. It won’t be neat, and it won’t be pretty, but at least it’ll be yours. And that’s real freedom. The kind that doesn’t need a price tag.

Lesson 3: The “Having” Mode Is Exhausting

Life built on “having” is a never-ending grind. A constant treadmill you can’t get off, no matter how fast you run. It’s exhausting, and it never stops.

Fromm doesn’t dance around this – he tells you straight up that you can spend your whole life collecting things, amassing “stuff,” thinking it’s going to fill the hole inside of you, but guess what? It never does.

No matter how much you buy, how many titles you collect, or how shiny the new toy is, that gnawing emptiness never goes away.

In fact, you’ll burn out trying to keep up with the next big thing. You’ll chase that high, that fleeting promise of happiness, and it’ll leave you right where you started – empty, unsatisfied, and more tired than ever.

Think about it. How much energy do you pour into acquiring things? Not just the physical objects, but the status symbols, the clothes, the gadgets, the cars, the home.

You work yourself to the bone to earn money to buy things that everyone tells you will make you happy.

But here’s the catch – those things only shine for a minute. The new car smells good, but after a few months, it’s just a car.

The fancy jacket, the expensive phone, the vacation – they all lose their glow.

But the cycle doesn’t stop. You need more. And then more. It’s that insatiable “I need more” mentality, where the moment you get something, you’re already looking at what’s next.

What’s better? What’s bigger? You never rest. You never stop.

When you’re stuck in this “having” mode, you’re not living for yourself anymore. You’re living for the world’s approval.

You’re feeding off the validation you get from others – the likes on Instagram, the compliments on your new purchase, the envy in someone else’s eyes.

You’ve become a slave to this external force, and it’s a prison with no bars. The more you have, the less you know who you are. You’re just a collection of stuff, a walking advertisement, chasing after things that don’t even matter.

It’s a loop, a trap. You run, you acquire, you burn out, and then you do it all over again. There’s no peace in that. Only exhaustion.

Lesson 4: Being Is the Key to Fulfillment

Being is the only way to live authentically.

Being isn’t about impressing anyone or flexing your wealth. It’s about connecting with yourself, with others, and living in the now.

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s messy, it’s real, and it’s got no shiny price tag.

It doesn’t come in a box, doesn’t get wrapped up in a bow, doesn’t sparkle when you pull it out of a bag. It’s raw. It’s dirty. And, if you’re brave enough to embrace it, it’s the only way to find something real.

Fromm lays it out in no uncertain terms: the “being” mode is the only path to real fulfillment.

Forget about living in the past or constantly stressing over the future. That’s just the hamster wheel we keep running on, thinking if we just keep spinning, we’ll get somewhere.

But real living happens right here, right now. It’s being in the moment. It’s experiencing life without the need to measure it up against some invisible yardstick of success.

You’re not living for the next achievement, the next purchase, the next approval from the crowd. You’re living for the moment – just you and your breath and the world as it is, messy as hell, and imperfect.

Living authentically means giving up the act, shedding the mask. It’s about being who you truly are, not who you’ve been told to be.

You stop chasing the idea of what you should be and just be. Forget the expectations the world slaps on your back.

You’re done with the pressure to keep up, to conform, to please. Being is internal. It’s growth that starts from within – the kind of growth that doesn’t need a bigger house or a bigger paycheck to feel validated.

It doesn’t need the approval of your social circle or the random guy at the bar. It just needs you.

Lesson 5: We’ve Lost the Ability to Be

The final brutal truth Fromm gives us is this: we’ve lost the ability to be. We’ve become so fixated on accumulating things and building our “identity” around possessions and external measures that we’ve forgotten how to simply exist.

We’ve neglected the one thing that could truly make us happy: the ability to live in harmony with ourselves.

Fromm argues that in our modern, consumer-driven society, we’ve built a world where “being” is secondary. People are more concerned with what they have than who they are.

The result? A society of disconnected, anxious individuals, all searching for meaning in things that can never provide it.

Table Summary

LessonKey InsightAction Step
Possessions Don’t Define YouWe are not our stuff or titles.Focus on growth, not acquisition.
The Need for Freedom Is Your True NatureReal freedom is choice and responsibility.Take ownership of your life and decisions.
The “Having” Mode Is ExhaustingChasing material things is a never-ending trap.Let go of the “more” mentality.
Being Is the Key to FulfillmentTrue fulfillment comes from inner growth.Embrace the present and stop chasing approval.
We’ve Lost the Ability to BeWe’ve neglected how to live authentically.Reconnect with yourself, embrace simplicity.

Conclusion

Fromm’s message is clear: stop. Look at your life and ask yourself if you’re really living, or just existing.

Do you own your possessions, or do they own you? Are you in the “having” mode, stuck in an exhausting chase for approval, or are you learning to simply be?

And as you sit there, chewing over these ideas, remember this – To Have or To Be? is not just a philosophical debate.

It’s an existential question that haunts every one of us.

The moment you stop running the race, the moment you stop counting your “things,” is the moment you realize: maybe the whole game was rigged from the start.

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